Momma, in a recent tiff, told me that I should call Grandma more. Truth be told y'all, I love my Grandma more than my own life. And after I lost Daddy, I just couldn't stand the thought of losing anyone ever again. I didn't call her as much as I should. Mostly because I couldn't be reminded of the love I have for this woman. She is everything I have ever wanted to be, and is proof of everything that is beautiful in this world. I couldn't stand to feel such love and closeness for someone who will not live as long as me.
When Momma said this to me, I almost died, then promised my only New Year's Resolution would be to call my Grandma, at least 2 times a week. I called her today, and we talked for at least 2 hours. At the end of the conversation she said, "Ash, I was feeling down, and I wondered what 2012 would bring. Then you called me, and now I know that this New Year will be great."
What a blessing y'all, and how damned selfish have I been by not just calling when I missed her so much I could die? I love my Grandma so much...she is truly my soulmate. I promise I will never make the mistake of not calling again. I'm no longer scared to live life..I'll live it as long as the good Lord has me on this Earth, and I promise I'll call my Grandma every week. I think Daddy would be proud.
Monday, January 02, 2012
It's cold, hard facts rainin' up in here...
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So you're gone and I had to hunt you down, because I looked forward to seeing what you're thinking everyday. Just a few things I wanted you to know, in general.
I just wanted to say that this post is exactly how I felt just before my grandma died. I didn't want to call, and was ashamed and afraid that hearing the weakness in her voice would confirm for me what I had known. She was dying and she was my heart and soul and moral compass. (She was southern, too.) But I would call and she would say that she was feeling down until she heard my voice.
Also, I heard people were being mean to you on fb. I wanted to send my love, but I was huddled in the fetal position with the stomach flu. What you say often feels like a mirror to my soul, the things that I feel and can't put words to. You are an inspiration to so many people and you are worth more than anyone who says otherwise and you may be in the top 5 of the smartest people I know (and I know some VERY smart people). If people don't like you its because of something they don't like in themselves and you just have a way of forcing people to look at their lives honestly. Sometimes this means that they won't like what they see and may take it out on you. But its never you. you're wonderful. And in parting, a quote:
"But This is just shit. It's happening. No blame. Happening and on the rise it would appear. What can we do to delay it? Probably zilch. To stop it? Likely less. But to survive it? Now that sounds more promising. There is evidence of bad shit having been survived before. Ancient Advice Left in cave by Wise French Caveman: "When Bigbad Shit come, no run scream hide. Try paint picture of it on wall. Drum to it. Sing to it. Dance to it. This give you handle on it." So Twister is my try."
Letter From Ken Kesey to Allen Ginsberg (August 1993)
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